Growing My Submission

I recently read a book in which the main characters were challenged to shake up their D/s dynamics by trying new things, different partners and/or pushing limits. This coincided with the approaching one year anniversary of my becoming the slave of CruelPuppetMaster, and I had already begun thinking about my submission and whether I was giving my Master everything He deserved. When the Submissive Reflection prompt How Do You Want Your Submission To Grow Over The Course Of The Year appeared on the Tell Me About site, it seemed that all signs were pointing to some deep personal introspection.

Where I’ve Been

It’s unbelievable that a year has almost passed since I agreed to become a submissive slave. It’s fair to say I had no idea what I was agreeing to, but also fair to say that my Master was patient in guiding and mentoring me as I’ve learned. While I was eager and willing to serve and please, I had many doubts about my ability to do. I’ve written on this subject before, The Pain of Submission, but my Master is a Sadist and I am far from a masochist. Pain has been an issue for us from the beginning, and while we have come a long way from where we were, we still have a ways to go.

Where I Am At

Over the last year, I have served my Master’s sadistic needs in a variety of ways, the most painful involving predicament bondage with clover clamps and the spiky side of a car mat. Our relationship is long distance, so I am usually inflicting this pain on myself, and my Master is watching online. He is not physically present to provide aftercare, but He does what He can with His voice, heaping tons of praise and affection on me. Afterwards, we spend time talking, again with lots of praise, until my tears have dried and we are laughing together.

We were lucky and had four visits together this past year. Our play has increased in intensity quite a bit, including the introduction of caning during one of our most recent visits and ElectraStim during our last visit. My Master has flogged me, spanked me with a belt, used a crop, a wooden paint stick and a cane. He has kept the intensity at a low level that I can tolerate, one that is no where near the “let go and give a good flogging” level He would like to be at.

Where I’d Like To Be

My Master was recently approached by another Dom and asked if He would be interested in whipping his slave. Circumstances prevent the Dom from doing it himself, and it is something the slave wants. It would be an opportunity for my Master to play with a slave who wants to receive pain as much as He wants to inflict it. He was very excited and open to the opportunity.

This was the trigger that started me taking a look at my submission. I’ve known from the start that I do not meet my Master’s needs fully when it comes to the infliction of pain. He holds back in His demands out of a mixture of guilt and fear of pushing me too hard. Some missteps early on have led to His being overly cautious and fearful of repeating past mistakes. Even assurances from me have not allowed Him to freely use me as He would please. The result, He is left feeling unsatisfied and I feel inadequate.

So I want to push my limits. I want Him to push my limits. I want to be somewhere between comfortable and safeword. I want to return to the predicament bondage that pushed me to my upper limits and that He loved putting me through and that I loved doing for Him. I want Him to control how hard the cane or the flogger land. I think He handed me too much control out of being over cautious. I want to give it back to Him, where it belongs. I don’t want Him to need someone else’s slave to be satisfied. I want Him to be satisfied using His slave. My body is His plaything. I like it, and I want it.


This post is part of Submissive Reflections on Tell Me About. See who else is writing by clicking the icon below.

Reflection #2 Growth

6 responses to “Growing My Submission”

  1. This is an interesting post CSP and I can see why you feel that you might not meet your Master’s needs but I don’t know if that is true. It sounds like you have been pushed and grown so much over the past year and I imagine that is something that will continue. I also don’t think we can ever really meet all of someone’s needs. It isn’t possible for one person ever really to do that but I don’t think that should matter. As long as you are growing together and exploring things you both enjoy, it is about give and take. I think of it like food. There are foods we both love and foods he loves and I don’t. There are foods that I dislike that he enjoys and other foods one or both of us is indifferent to. But we still cook for one another, eat together and enjoy going out, so really it doesn’t matter too much. Sometimes needs are a deal breaker and that will matter but for most things I believe it is more about the person than about what you do. I am sure your Master would enjoy to whip a slave hard if that is something he likes but it doesn’t mean he would rather do that than play with you. I am sure he will make you part of the experience in some way too. That is sort of the beauty of these sorts of relationships where things are a bit more open. Your trust, love and submission means that you are meeting his needs by agreeing that he can whip this other slave which ticks a box for him. I imagine the need you meet in him by doing that will be a far greater one than the one that is satisfied by the impact play that happens. Your blessing (and possible participation) will be the real gift. Sorry that was a bit of an essay. Just a few of my thoughts lol. Hope I made sense. Missy x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I wish that were the case missy, but you give me way too much credit. Of course my Master makes His own choices, but my answer was a definite no I would not like it if He did it. I wish that I was confident and secure enough that it would not bother me, but it would, and would most likely end our relationship, not over jealousy, but because I would constantly wonder how I compared and know that I would be found lacking.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ah then that is different. It is important to know where your limits and boundaries lie and feel comfortable communicating that which you clearly do. I have changed so much over time and things are possible for me now that would have been deal breakers for me too before. This is especially the case around sharing and play with others etc. x

        Like

  2. Puppet… we just celebrated eleven months together. Don’t you think that’s a really good sign that my needs are being well met?

    your CruelPuppetMaster

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Most of them, yes, Master.

      Like

  3. Getting to know your dynamic a little better……… Thanks for sharing! Hugs, Windy

    Like

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