I recently read a book in which the main characters were challenged to shake up their D/s dynamics by trying new things, different partners and/or pushing limits. This coincided with the approaching one year anniversary of my becoming the slave of CruelPuppetMaster, and I had already begun thinking about my submission and whether I was giving my Master everything He deserved. When the Submissive Reflection prompt How Do You Want Your Submission To Grow Over The Course Of The Year appeared on the Tell Me About site, it seemed that all signs were pointing to some deep personal introspection.
Where I’ve Been
It’s unbelievable that a year has almost passed since I agreed to become a submissive slave. It’s fair to say I had no idea what I was agreeing to, but also fair to say that my Master was patient in guiding and mentoring me as I’ve learned. While I was eager and willing to serve and please, I had many doubts about my ability to do. I’ve written on this subject before, The Pain of Submission, but my Master is a Sadist and I am far from a masochist. Pain has been an issue for us from the beginning, and while we have come a long way from where we were, we still have a ways to go.
Where I Am At
Over the last year, I have served my Master’s sadistic needs in a variety of ways, the most painful involving predicament bondage with clover clamps and the spiky side of a car mat. Our relationship is long distance, so I am usually inflicting this pain on myself, and my Master is watching online. He is not physically present to provide aftercare, but He does what He can with His voice, heaping tons of praise and affection on me. Afterwards, we spend time talking, again with lots of praise, until my tears have dried and we are laughing together.
We were lucky and had four visits together this past year. Our play has increased in intensity quite a bit, including the introduction of caning during one of our most recent visits and ElectraStim during our last visit. My Master has flogged me, spanked me with a belt, used a crop, a wooden paint stick and a cane. He has kept the intensity at a low level that I can tolerate, one that is no where near the “let go and give a good flogging” level He would like to be at.
Where I’d Like To Be
My Master was recently approached by another Dom and asked if He would be interested in whipping his slave. Circumstances prevent the Dom from doing it himself, and it is something the slave wants. It would be an opportunity for my Master to play with a slave who wants to receive pain as much as He wants to inflict it. He was very excited and open to the opportunity.
This was the trigger that started me taking a look at my submission. I’ve known from the start that I do not meet my Master’s needs fully when it comes to the infliction of pain. He holds back in His demands out of a mixture of guilt and fear of pushing me too hard. Some missteps early on have led to His being overly cautious and fearful of repeating past mistakes. Even assurances from me have not allowed Him to freely use me as He would please. The result, He is left feeling unsatisfied and I feel inadequate.
So I want to push my limits. I want Him to push my limits. I want to be somewhere between comfortable and safeword. I want to return to the predicament bondage that pushed me to my upper limits and that He loved putting me through and that I loved doing for Him. I want Him to control how hard the cane or the flogger land. I think He handed me too much control out of being over cautious. I want to give it back to Him, where it belongs. I don’t want Him to need someone else’s slave to be satisfied. I want Him to be satisfied using His slave. My body is His plaything. I like it, and I want it.
This post is part of Submissive Reflections on Tell Me About. See who else is writing by clicking the icon below.